I've found that my resiliency lasts until Auggie's bedtime, or roughly 8:30p.m. I am used to him going to bed at a set time (I can handle plus or minus a half-hour), and having my own time afterward. This is My Time to veg out, blog, e-mail, call, do freelance work, fold laundry, you name it. It is My Time. And when my wonderful son stays awake after bedtime and thus breaks into My Time, I break down like eggshells underfoot. I've discovered how fragile I am.
Before his bedtime, no biggie. He cries, I pick him up. He's hungry, I feed him. Etc etc. Of course Dan works into all of this, but Dan can't feed him the way I can. Throughout the one or two night feedings, and starting at 6:30a.m. or so, I am Mom. I can be selfless, caring, and willing to serve my baby. Fast-forward past bedtime and the rules change.
I totally broke down last night. For the second night in a row, Auggie stayed wide awake past his bedtime. After the usual bedtime routine, including nursing him, instead of falling asleep his eyes were as big as saucers when we were done and he was ready to play. (By the way, I'd like a word with whomever invented Day Light Savings. I know it helps farmers, but clearly this person did NOT have an infant in the house when doing the trial-run.) I kept singing to him, no go. Auggie was revved up and ready to hang out. I, on the other hand, kept thinking of all of the things I was planning on getting done after he went to bed. I was incredibly frustrated and suddenly understood the meaning of the book I was reading on the bus yesterday which talked about parents who sometimes just need to leave their crying baby in his/her crib and just walk away. Auggie wasn't crying yet, but I just couldn't handle him and into the crib he went.
Monday night the same thing had happened. Auggie was awake past bedtime, and we did our best to get him to go to sleep. He cried and cried, and consequently woke up twice in the night to eat. And he wasn't all that hungry either time. He just needed comfort. And I'm happy to comfort my baby, but waking up twice at night takes its toll. Throughout our short time with Auggie, I've discovered a pattern that occurs when he has a rough evening and goes to bed after crying a lot: he wakes up a lot at night (ie. what happened Monday night). That added factor heaped on the intensity last night. I KNEW that he'd cry and cry at some point, that he'd wake up several times, and once again I'd go without a good night's sleep.
Dread.
And breakdown.
Dan helped me get through this. And an hour and much crying later, Auggie was asleep. But it sure tested my sanity and showed me how fragile I am after 9p.m. It was yet another reminder of the ugly inner selfishness that remains even after going dormant due to experiences like marriage and babies. When all goes according to my plan, I don't have to face my own monsters, but episodes like this remind me that I'm not so put together after all. And I am certainly at the mercy of my Lord. Thank goodness for his great mercy..
The end of the string on my teabag has words of wisdom for me this morning: Life is a chance. Love is infinity. Grace is reality. ... The first two are just happytalk to me, but the last one rings true this morning: Grace is reality. Big time.
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EDIT: I forgot to mention that Auggie slept through the night last night. Mercy and grace indeed..
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5 comments:
Aww, sweetie! What a journey. Glad he slept through the night! :) af
I am amazed by how much Ethan's sleep schedule affects my mood. When he's "supposed" to take a nap and doesn't, or when it's time for him to sleep and he won't... it kills me! I feel like a horrible person and terrible mother. It's funny, b/c I don't do anything different between times when Ethan is perfect vs. when he's awful. I think kids are here just to teach us who we really are and how much we need God's grace. I hear you!
hehe.. this is such a learning experience! :)
Ah yes, I remember a few days like that. Singing to one precious V-girl and rocking her in the rocking chair. Then as soon as I put her down for sleep she'd start to cry. I'd pick her up, sing some more, put her in the crib and she'd cry. She was fed, dry (diaper), tired - what to do? It is tough on a parent, especially when exhausted and looking forward to a few moments for yourself. I didn't read a novel for 4 years after starting our family. : ) But it's all worth it. A big change, a shocking change being on 24/7 as you say.
Be sure to ask for help and not suffer with it. Either Daddy can take a turn walking the floor or maybe a nearby friend/fam can come by for an hour earlier in the evening so you can get a breather. Thankfully, baby's sleeping "mix-ups" get ironed out and things change for the better.
Make sure you get time for naps now and then (yes I know, ha-ha, as if that was possible). But sleep deprivation and missed time for yourself add up to emotional overload.
Just know that you're doing terrific and you're making excellent choices to forget about announcements and other traditional things in light of working full time. And you're a great mommy! Love, M
I could be that nearby friend to take him for the evening :) You guys deserve a night out!
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